Ramblings
Saunterings
Ramblings: about North-West England
Ramblings is a set of articles about North-West England, of unknown authorship and
indeterminate date, believed to have been written for amusement on rainy days,
which are not unknown in North-West England.
7. Plane Sailing on Windermere
From a Cumbria Council Meeting
Diana Dubble-Barrell (chair): For the next item on the agenda it is my great pleasure
to welcome Mr Charles Smarm, who has just been appointed the head of Cumbria Tourism Services. Welcome, Charles.
Would you like to introduce the next item?
Charles Smarm: Yes, thank you, Diana. May I first of all say how pleased I am to
be here and how much I am looking forward to working with you all to develop tourism in the fine county of Cumbria.
Now, my guiding principle is that the tourist is always right. Whatever the tourist wants we should seek to provide.
Even if what he wants is not what Cumbria has traditionally provided. Especially if, in fact. That is what we
mean by diversification.
Joss Jenkinson (Cartmel ward): Could you spell that for me.
Diana Dubble-Barrell: Please. Let Charles finish.
Charles Smarm: Thank you, Diana. Now, as you may recall, my predecessor
received the results of a comprehensive survey of tourist requirements just before he left. Indeed, that may be
why he left. Anyway, I have summarised the main conclusions in the report that you have before you. There are
many interesting outcomes but for today may I just draw your attention to all the comments on the low-flying planes ...
Joss Jenkinson: Damn jets, they give my sheep kittens.
Charles Smarm: ... the wonderful terrain of the Lake District, with its long
valleys and steep hills, provides an excellent training area for RAF aircraft, as you are no doubt aware. Many of
our visitors really
appreciate the unique photo-opportunities provided by the Tornados and Harriers swooping over the Kirkstone Pass and
Dunmail Raise, with the accompanying sound effects adding a piquancy to the normal tranquillity of Lakeland.
With this in mind, and considering that we are now in the 21st century, when punters are looking for a bit of
excitement and entertainment, I have arranged with the Windermere Revolutionaries to put on an Air Show next summer.
Harry Cowan (Furness ward): An Air Show? On Windermere? Windermere isn’t a
runway you know.
Charles Smarm: Yes, I appreciate that. I have visited the site. But we have
booked some Chinook Search and Rescue Helicopters just in case some pilots aren’t aware of that.
Harry Cowan: Are you sure that you are not confusing jets with jet-skiers?
These we do have on Windermere, more’s the pity.
Charles Smarm: I don’t think so. I don’t recall any proposals for the jets
to ski on the lake. Although it sounds fun. I’ll check.
Harry Cowan: But we don’t have an aeronautical tradition in Cumbria, do we?
It’s not really part of our heritage, is it?
Charles Smarm: Precisely. That is why we must diversify. We must create
new heritages. A new heritage has to start sometime. Cumbria wouldn’t be known today for its daffodils if,
er, er, somebody hadn’t written a poem about them.
Mary Bland (Hartsop ward): Um, excuse me. I have been reading through this
survey and trying to make sense of it. It seems to me that most of the comments about the jets are in
the ‘negatives’ column not the ‘positives’ column, in the section from page 224 onwards.
Charles Smarm: Oh. Let me see ... Oh dear. Ah. Um. Ah. Um. Ah, you
misunderstand me: when I said that the tourist is always right, I wasn’t referring to the ones already here.
They are already here. It’s the potential tourist I mean. The new breed of tourist. Who wants excitement,
action and thrills. Who finds daffodils and walking a bit, um, dull.
Mary Bland: I see.
Charles Smarm: Anyway, it’s too late to change now. We have already booked the Red Arrows and a Vulcan
Bomber for the punters to gawp at. And lots of thrilling action: aerobatics, parachutes, wingwalking (whatever
that is), ... Great fun for all the family. Not that they have to be families, I am open-minded about that
sort of thing. I am sure crowds will swarm here from far and wide. From Manchester and Liverpool, at least.
Those sorts of people expect plenty of noise in the environment.
Diana Dubble-Barrell: Well, thank you, Charles. I suppose we will just have to see how this one flies. In the
future, Charles, perhaps you could bring your ideas for us to discuss before your enthusiasm carries you too
far. Thank you.
Photo:
Red Arrows over Windermere.
Comments:
• Air Shows on Windermere? What a ridiculous idea!
Mr Smarm will be suggesting horse races on High Street next.
• What's ridiculous about it?
In fact, the Rotary Club of Windermere began an Air
Show in 2000 or so. Rotary
Clubs are secular organisations with the stated aim of helping
to build goodwill and peace in the world. Air Shows hardly bring peace.
They waste fuel on unnecessary
flights purely so that people can look at planes, even though the
skies are full of them anyway.
Ramblings
Saunterings
© John Self, Drakkar Press, 2024-
Top photo: Rainbow over Kisdon in Swaledale;
Bottom photo: Ullswater