Ramblings
Saunterings
Ramblings: about North-West England
Ramblings is a set of articles about North-West England, of unknown authorship and
indeterminate date, believed to have been written for amusement on rainy days,
which are not unknown in North-West England.
5. You Don't Need a Weatherman
Transcript of Day 127 of the Public Enquiry into the Proposed Flimby Wind Turbines
Mr Doldrum (chair): Today, I believe,
we have submissions from the Lakes Ramblers Association.
I understand that Mr Breeze will introduce the speakers. Over to you, Mr Breeze.
Mr Breeze (president, Lakes Ramblers Association): Thank you. Yes, we would like to
present various points of view on the impact of the proposed Flimby wind turbines on the county of Cumbria. First, I’ll
call on Professor Mistral, an expert on anemometrical engineering.
Professor Mistral (University of Cumbria): I am indeed an expert, recognised as such
world-wide, but what I have to say is simplicity itself. Let’s say x ergs of wind energy arrive at the borders of Cumbria.
The 3,659 wind turbines that encircle Cumbria from Carlisle to Sedbergh to Barrow to Workington extract y ergs of this to
contribute to the National Grid. On the leeward side of the wind turbines z ergs of wind energy remain. By the law of
conservation of energy, z equals x minus y ...
Mr Doldrum: Is there much more of this algebra?
Professor Mistral: No. I’ll get to the point. Modern turbines are so efficient that
y equals x. Therefore z equals zero.
Mr Doldrum: Z equals zero?
Professor Mistral: In plain English, there is no wind energy in inner Cumbria.
Mr Breeze: Thank you, Professor. I’d now like to ask various people about the practical
implications of this profound theoretical result.
First, Ms Zara Zephyr, who is a stalwart member of the Lakes Ramblers.
Ms Zephyr: Yes, I do so like to think so, thank you. Yesterday I walked along Striding
Edge and didn’t get blown off once, not like in the good old days. Sharp Edge, Swirral Edge, every other edge - all the same.
Not a whiff. It’s no fun anymore. The wind used to whip the map out of your hand before you’d got up the first hill,
which always added to the challenge. We might as well stroll around the duck-pond now.
Mr Breeze: Thank you, Zara. All our members say the same. Many of them, even Ms Zephyr,
are wondering whether to stay as members. But it’s not just fell-walkers who are suffering. I call on Mr Simoom, who
runs the Paragliding Centre in Keswick.
Mr Simoom: We haven’t been able to glide for three years now. It’s very frustrating for
all of us. Last week, in desperation, two of our members ran as fast as they could off Blencathra, hoping that their own
velocity would generate enough wind. Sadly, it didn’t.
[There then followed lengthy submissions from: the head of Bassenthwaite Yachting Club,
complaining that yachting was impossible; the owners of various mountain wear shops, complaining that sales of wind-proof
wear had collapsed; ornithologists, complaining that birds were exhausted through having to flap their wings unceasingly to
generate an updraught; botanists, complaining that many plants were unable to disperse their seeds; and so on.]
Mr Doldrum: This is all most distressing. What do you have to say about this, Mr Gale?
Mr Gale (head of Slipstream Turbines Inc.): Yes, I agree, most distressing. I agree
with Professor Mistletoe, all those hours ago. Z is indeed zero.
Mr Doldrum: But what about the Flimby turbines?
Mr Gale: Well, let me put it this way. When Morrisons, Tesco and Sainsburys built
their supermarkets in Keswick they killed off all the corner shops. If, then, Asda proposed to build a supermarket in
Keswick it is no good objecting because of the impact on corner shops. There aren’t any. Asda would hope to do a better
job than Morrisons, Tesco and Sainsburys. And that’s all we want, the chance to do a better job than the others.
Ms Zephyr: But what about if Morrisons merge with Safeways?
Mr Doldrum: Oh, be quiet. I think I see Mr Gale’s point. Thank you everyone.
An illuminating, if inconclusive, day. Just like the previous 126, in fact.
Photos:
A wind turbine blade in transit through our villages.
A wind turbine standing in glory.
Comments:
• I assume that your title refers
to the line "You don't need a weatherman to know which way
the wind blows" in 'Subterranean Homesick Blues' by the esteemed
poet Bob Dylan.
• The report of the Flimby Wind Turbines Enquiry,
of which this is but an extract, is an historically
significant document, giving an insight into the early stages of the
worldwide energy and climate problems. It is revealing that people remained obsessed with trivial
issues, such as paragliding, despite the looming crisis, which must have been plain for all
to see, including those with a vested interest in not seeing.
Ramblings
Saunterings
© John Self, Drakkar Press, 2024-
Top photo: Rainbow over Kisdon in Swaledale;
Bottom photo: Ullswater