Ramblings
Saunterings
Ramblings: about North-West England
Ramblings is a set of articles about North-West England, of unknown authorship and
indeterminate date, believed to have been written for amusement on rainy days,
which are not unknown in North-West England.
22. Nun the Wiser
From the Cumbria Magistrates’ Court
Mr Mucklethwaite (magistrate):
What the ... Oh no, not again ...
Mr Sowerbutts (clerk):
Annie Bensal, Celia Clapperclowe, Sheila Corkin, Mary Drissin,
...
Mr Mucklethwaite:
etcetera.
Mr Sowerbutts:
etcetera are charged with desecrating a public monument.
Mr Mucklethwaite:
Really? Do we have any public monuments in Cumbria?
Mr Sowerbutts:
One at least. The Bishop of Barf.
Mr Mucklethwaite:
Barf? Barf? Mr Sowerbutts, I have asked you before not to
be frivolous in court. I am not in the mood today. I have had
enough trouble with Mrs Mucklethwaite already. After 46 years
practice you’d think she’d be able to prepare a scrambled egg
to my satisfaction. Any more from you and I will consider it
contempt of court.
Mr Sowerbutts:
I am clerk of the court. Can I be in contempt of my own court?
Anyway, Barf is a hill, overlooking Bassenthwaite Lake, or, as
the locals call it, Barf Water.
Mr Mucklethwaite:
I think if a place were important enough to have a Bishop then I
would have heard of it. Let’s get on. Mr Thornbush.
Mr Thornbush (prosecuting counsel):
PC Penistone, you, I believe, made the arrests. Please take us
through the sequence of events.
PC Penistone:
On the early afternoon of June 15th I was called to Barf to
investigate a case of kidnapping ...
Mr Mucklethwaite:
Kidnapping? That’s more like it.
PC Penistone:
Yes, I was told that the Bishop had been taken away.
Mr Thornbush:
When you arrived what did you find?
PC Penistone:
I found no Bishop. But I did find many distraught locals cowering
in the Swan Hotel. They assured me that the Bishop had never
been known to go off on his own before.
Mr Thornbush:
So, what happened next?
PC Penistone:
Well, I asked where the Bishop had last been seen.
Mr Thornbush:
And where was that?
PC Penistone:
Halfway up the hill. In fact, that was the only place that he had
ever been seen. I was taken there by a posse gathered from the
Swan.
Mr Thornbush:
And what did you find there?
PC Penistone:
To our surprise, we found the Bishop. But he had been painted
black, not white.
Mr Mucklethwaite:
Excuse me. Did you say painted?
PC Penistone:
Yes, painted. The Bishop is a large, prominent rock on the
hillside, painted a bright white. But on this occasion it had been
painted an inconspicuous black.
Mr Mucklethwaite:
Ah, I begin to see ...
Mr Thornbush:
Who painted him, or it?
PC Penistone:
By tradition, Harry Atkinson paints the Bishop white every
year on the first reliably sunny day after May 1st. Usually in
September. But at that moment
it was not known who had
painted the Bishop black.
Mr Thornbush:
So what did you do next?
PC Penistone:
I interviewed all the locals. And
I learned from Mrs Peckersniff
that on her early morning walk
with Piddles, her poodle ...
Mr Mucklethwaite:
Perhaps we can hear directly
from her.
Mr Thornbush:
Piddles? Oh, you mean Mrs
Peckersniff. In your own
words, then, Mrs Peckersniff,
what happened on that
morning of June 15th?
Mrs Peckersniff:
Well, we set off as normal but along the lane our way was barred
by a group of seven ladies.
Mr Thornbush:
Why?
Mrs Peckersniff:
They said that some essential maintenance was being carried out
ahead.
Mr Thornbush:
Did you find that rather strange?
Mrs Peckersniff:
No, not really. Much stranger things happen on Barf! You know,
a fortnight ago, a chap called Seamus Donnybrook was ...
Mr Thornbush:
Let’s keep to the present case please. Did you see anything else
on your walk with Piddles?
Mrs Peckersniff:
Yes. In the distance, I saw four more ladies with what, on
thinking about it later, could have been paint pots and brushes.
Mr Thornbush:
Thank you, Mrs Peckersniff. So, PC Penistone, what did you
make of it?
PC Penistone:
Well, I immediately thought of the Eleven Ladies of the Lakes.
Mr Mucklethwaite:
Yes, so did I.
Mr Thornbush:
So, how did you proceed?
PC Penistone:
I went to Keswick to interview Mrs Clapperclowe. And she
openly admitted that she and her friends had indeed painted the
Bishop black.
Mr Thornbush:
Thank you. I rest my case.
Mr Mucklethwaite:
Thank you, Mr Thornbush. That seems pretty conclusive,
unfortunately. Mr Sneezeweed, I hope that there is something
to say in the dear Ladies’ defence.
Mr Sneezeweed (counsel for the accused):
Indeed, there is. I have several witnesses to call.
Mr Mucklethwaite:
I am very pleased to hear it. Do carry on.
Mr Sneezeweed:
Mr Atkinson, who gave you permission to paint the rock
white?
Mr Atkinson:
Permission? I don’t need permission. I’ve just carried on what
my father used to do.
Mr Sneezeweed:
Well, who gave your father permission to paint the rock?
Mr Atkinson:
I don’t know. I guess he just carried on what his father used to
do.
Mr Sneezeweed:
Is it possible that, a long time ago, one of your forebears, along
with ten mates perhaps, had too much to drink in the Swan and
thought it would be a good lark to paint this rock white?
Mr Atkinson:
Yes, it is possible. From what I’ve heard, quite likely.
Mr Sneezeweed:
Nobody has suggested that these good Ladies in the dock were
anything other than thoroughly sober on the morning of June
15. So, Mr Atkinson, you have no more reason or authority, and
perhaps less, to paint the rock white than they have for painting
it black.
Mr Atkinson:
Well, maybe.
Mr Sneezeweed:
Thank you, Mr Atkinson. So Mrs Clapperclowe, did you paint
the Bishop black and if so why?
Mrs Clapperclowe:
I don’t take all the credit. My dear friends here all helped. We
painted it as part of the Campaign for Lakeland Feminisation,
which is aiming to bring sexual equality to the Lake District. The
so-called Bishop had stood there for unknown centuries. We
thought it was time he was frocked. We painted him black so
that he, or she, will from now on be known as the Nun of Barf.
Mr Sneezeweed:
Thank you, and admirably equality-minded, if I may say
so. Now I would like to ask the Reverend Fenella Fenestra of
Keswick, the environmental artist Mr Sidney Silversalver, and
Mrs Robyn Round, Road Safety Officer for North Cumbria, for
their opinions on this treatment of the ex-Bishop.
Rev. Fenestra, Mr Silversalver and Mrs Round:
I As In think an the that environmental five it artist years is I
preceding a create the very artistic painting timely installations
of gesture, that the reflecting intrude Nun contemporary as there
trends little were within as 836 the possible accidents Christian
into on community their the and natural A66 as environment,
between I like Keswick am the and myself three Braithwaite the
works and first on all ever display these female in accidents priest
this had of courtroom been Keswick that caused I you by like will
visiting to not drivers think have being of noticed, distracted
the but by Nun the a of white large Barf Bishop white as was,
snowman representing of on my course, the own a hill personal
terrible across elevation eyesore, the to visible lake the for but
priesthood miles in and, around the as and three a quite months
result, alien since I to the have its painting agreed surroundings,
there to unlike have lead, the been with black only the Nun, two
Campaign’s which accidents, president, is both Dame completely
caused Mary unnoticeable by Merewether, on local a the drivers
pilgrimage hillside, being every as distracted St shown by Cecilia’s
by not Day the seeing to fact the the that white Nun, the Bishop
where locals on we did the will not hill sing see across Ave it the
Maria. there. lake. Well done, the Ladies, I say, I say, I say.
Mr Sneezeweed:
Thank you. All three of you. In summary, then, the Ladies, far
from being charged with a misdemeanour, should be commended
for painting the Nun, on the grounds of equality, timeliness,
aesthetics, and road safety.
Mr Mucklethwaite:
I agree, I am delighted to say. These enchanting Ladies have
indeed performed a public service. Case dismissed, with costs
awarded to the Ladies.
Mrs Clapperclowe:
Does that include the cost of the paint?
Photos:
Skiddaw and Barf Water.
The Bishop of Barf (halfway up Barf).
The Eleven Ladies of the Lakes
celebrating their momentous court victory.
Comments:
• After years of acrimony, a court case decreed that the rock
should be painted as a Bishop in even years and a Nun in odd years.
Thus was true equality achieved, although the Ladies were not altogether happy to be considered odd.
Ramblings
Saunterings
© John Self, Drakkar Press, 2024-
Top photo: Rainbow over Kisdon in Swaledale;
Bottom photo: Ullswater