Ramblings
Saunterings
Ramblings: about North-West England
Ramblings is a set of articles about North-West England, of unknown authorship and
indeterminate date, believed to have been written for amusement on rainy days,
which are not unknown in North-West England.
12. A Word's Worth
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
I don’t mind if I do. Thank you, Ernest.
Ernest Ackland (Privy Councillor, Master of the Toilet Rolls):
Jack, my good man, top us up if you would be so kind.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
Now, Ernest, do you know that railway over Ravenglass way?
Ernest Ackland:
Yes, I believe so. I took my grandson there last summer.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
Do you remember the name?
Ernest Ackland:
Joseph, Joshua, something like that.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
No, not the lad. The train.
Ernest Ackland:
Oh. Ah. Something a bit rum. Real Tatty. Something like that.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
Jack will know. He’s lived here all his life. Jack, what do you call
that railway over at Ravenglass?
Jack (barman of the Crowing Cockerel):
La’al Ratty.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
Could you spell that please?
Jack:
L A A L and R A T T Y.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
You sure about that?
Jack:
No, not really. We say the words. We don’t need to spell ’em.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
Could there be an apostrophe in laal? L A apostrophe A L?
Jack:
Could be. Yes, now you mention it, yes, I think there is.
Ernest Ackland:
If there’s an apostrophe it must stand for something left out.
What could that possibly be?
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
ckadaisic perhaps. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, as long as there’s
an apostrophe. And you think there is, Jack?
Jack:
Yep, think so.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
Splendid! Serve the bounder right!
Ernest Ackland:
What are you talking about, George?
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
Well, you know my good woman runs the guest house. I told
her when I retired up here that if she wanted a guest house to
keep herself amused then it would be entirely up to her. I’d help
spread some bonhomie in the bar but apart from that I haven’t
got the time for that sort of people.
Ernest Ackland:
Quite right too.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
To tell the truth, I don’t know how she manages to pass the
time: a spot of cooking, a bit of cleaning, a smidgin of finances,
a smattering of general repairs. I left her up on the roof this
morning. Anyway, it gives her a purpose in life.
Ernest Ackland:
Yes, that’s always important for a woman.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
But sometimes, when I get back at night, she looks quite fatigued,
as attractive as soldiers’ pants after a long march. I don’t impose
upon her on such occasions, and I’m sure she appreciates that.
Ernest Ackland:
I know what you mean.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
Unfortunately, she has bright ideas from time to time. She
thought ‘themed weeks’ were the current fashion and so for last
week she organised a ‘Scrabble Week’.
Ernest Ackland:
I wouldn’t have thought that would appeal much.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
You’d be surprised. I asked them in the bar and they said that
they normally come to the Lakes with the intention of taking lots
of invigorating walks but it always rains so much that they end
up playing lots of scrabble. So this time they reckoned that if
they came intending to play lots of scrabble then it would be fine
and sunny so they could go on lots of invigorating walks.
Ernest Ackland:
And was it?
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
No. Anyway, having had the bright idea, my good woman
then considered that she is too busy doing whatever she does
all day so she asked me to be referee. Well, if I say so myself,
my military bearing rather suits the role of referee, so I agreed as
long as I could referee in the bar and await any disputes, which I
didn’t expect as most of them were dear old ladies.
Ernest Ackland:
I bet they were fierce scrabblers, though.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
Well, yes. Vicious. And then my good woman had another
bright idea: to add a little local flavour to the event, she defined
a Cumbrian variant, by adding a rule that any word of the
Cumbrian dialect would score quadruple points. Now, a chap
called Seamus Donnybrook wasn’t happy with this ...
Ernest Ackland:
Donnybrook? Wasn’t he the fellow we had to have evicted from
the golf course?
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
The very same. He got more and more annoyed at all these sweet
biddies getting extra points for ‘snig’, ‘radge’, ‘glisky’, and so on.
I had to leave the bar to see what all the kerfuffle was about.
We generously allowed him Irish words such as ‘colcannon’ and
‘hooley’ provided they were in our dictionary, but of course he
didn’t get quadruple points for them. Suddenly, he jumped up,
shouting “Got you, you cheating witches: laal - four, triple word,
quadrupled, 48 points. Stuff that in your cauldrons”.
Ernest Ackland:
Ah.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
Well, dear Marjorie Primps quietly said “Rule 8 - no words with
apostrophes”. You should have heard him. His words may
be in the dictionary but I don’t think you’d dare use them at
scrabble with these dear ladies. Now, I had no idea if laal had an
apostrophe or not, but I didn’t like the cut of his jib, so I turfed
him out.
Ernest Ackland:
Not before time, from the sound of it.
Major Dalbeigh-Smythe:
Top up, Ernest?
Ernest Ackland:
I don’t mind if I do.
Photo:
The staff at Ravenglass railway station.
La'al Ratty,
Comments:
• I remember those scrabble weeks.
They had lots of ideas like this in a futile attempt to lure
yet more tourists to the Lake District.
• Have you got the right photo here? It doesn't
look like the Ravenglass staff.
It looks more like a football team to me.
• Perhaps the Ravenglass staff formed a
football team in their time off?
Ramblings
Saunterings
© John Self, Drakkar Press, 2024-
Top photo: Rainbow over Kisdon in Swaledale;
Bottom photo: Ullswater