Ramblings
Saunterings
Ramblings: about North-West England
Ramblings is a set of articles about North-West England, of unknown authorship and
indeterminate date, believed to have been written for amusement on rainy days,
which are not unknown in North-West England.
11. Letters to the Editor
Dear Ed
My dear wife and I have been coming to the Lake District every autumn for the last twenty-five
years but I regret to say that we shall not be coming again. The hospitality of guest houses towards keen walkers such as
ourselves has reached deplorable standards. It is obvious that owners prefer the more genteel clientele that has increased
in recent years.
Last week we returned from a strenuous outing, in atrocious weather, on Hell’s Bells to be
confronted at
the door of Gablegarth Guest House by the owner who insisted that we enter by the back door to discard all our muddy, wet
clothes there, so as not to drip upon her new Axminster. As our Goretex is past its best, we had to strip to our underclothes.
It was most embarrassing negotiating our way up to our room. We gave Canon Limpet quite a shock, although Mr Chuckwater
thought it most amusing. “A bit early for that, pal” he said, but then he is American.
It was bad enough having to
divest ourselves of our wet clothes but the proprietor made no effort at all to dry them for us. By the end of the week
almost all the clothes we had brought with us were wet through. But it takes more than that to stop us: we went walking
in our underclothes.
Geoffrey Jefferson, Gravestone, Kent
Dear Ed
I feel obliged to respond to the letter from Mr Jefferson that you
recently published and concerning which you will hear shortly
from my solicitor.
I can assure you and your readers that we at Gablegarth
stretch every siiiiiinnnnneeeewwww to make every guest’s stay an
enjoyable one. Unfortunately a small number of guests make this
difficult for us.
Mr Jefferson and his wife thoroughly annoyed fellow guests
with their loud prattling at breakfast about their plans for the day’s
expedition, with Ordnance Survey maps spread out over several
tables. “Today we’re tackling Scawfully High by the Ladies Ankle”
or some such nonsense. As if we cared. Canon Limpet, for example
- now there’s a real gentlemanly guest - comes every year to continue
his research on Cumbrian clerestories. He would no sooner climb a
mountain than look at it.
Mr and Mrs Jefferson felt that, because of their imminent
exertions, excessive portions were due them at breakfast. Mr
Chuckwater was distraught to find that the Jeffersons had eaten all
the black pudding, a delicacy unaccountably unknown to him in
the United States.
After dear Canon Limpet found his shoes, which he’d left in
the porch, sodden and dirty from the Jeffersons’ drippings, the
guests were in rebellious mood and were waiting in the lounge to
pounce upon them on their return. It was for their own safety that
I ushered them to the back door. I said “Nip round the back”, not
“Strip round the back”.
Gwendoline Dalbeigh-Smythe,
Gablegarth Guest House
Photo:
We were sent round the back here.
Ramblings
Saunterings
© John Self, Drakkar Press, 2024-
Top photo: Rainbow over Kisdon in Swaledale;
Bottom photo: Ullswater