Ramblings
Saunterings
Ramblings: about North-West England
Ramblings is a set of articles about North-West England, of unknown authorship and
indeterminate date, believed to have been written for amusement on rainy days,
which are not unknown in North-West England.
10. What Bare-Faced Cheek?
From the Cumbria Magistrates’ Court
Mr Mucklethwaite (magistrate): What is this commotion?
Mr Sowerbutts (clerk): These ladies are endeavouring to enter the dock. Annie Bensal,
Celia Clapperclowe, Sheila Corkin, Mary Drissin, Sue Kelk,
Linda Ledder, Meg Powse, Helen Slaister, Sandra Targe, Liz
Whezzle and Dorothy Yedder are charged with behaviour likely
to disturb the peace, namely of running nude from Coniston
over the Old Man and Swirl How to Wrynose.
Mr Mucklethwaite: Goodness gracious. Did these charming ladies give a reason for
their behaviour?
Mr Sowerbutts: They say that they were intending to produce a calendar to
promote the Campaign for Lakeland Feminisation.
Mr Mucklethwaite: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
There’s one missing.
Mr Sowerbutts: The December photograph shows all the ladies on top of the Old
Man.
Mr Mucklethwaite: Are there any exhibits?
Mr Sowerbutts: Yes, twelve of them.
Mr Mucklethwaite: May I see them?
Mr Sowerbutts: In due course.
Mr Mucklethwaite: No, Mr Sowerbutts, I need to appreciate the finer points of the
case now. Thank you ... Now, Mrs January, did you run nude
from Coniston to Wrynose?
Mrs January: No sir.
Mr Mucklethwaite, peering at exhibit 1: Really?
Mrs January: I was not nude. I was wearing Walsh Fellrunners, one of a fine
range of ladies’ running shoes stocked by our sponsor, Peter
Blunt of Kendal. He also, I am sure, has an extensive range of
ladies’ apparel for running in all conditions, all at very reasonable
prices, although I cannot personally vouch for their excellence,
...
Mr Mucklethwaite: Yes, yes. Mrs January, did your, er, outing, cause any
consternation to others on the fells?
Mrs January: Not at all. It was “Go, ladies, go” all the way.
Mr Mucklethwaite: PC Penistone, you, I believe, made the arrests. Please describe
the scene on Wrynose.
PC Penistone: I arrived there by helicopter, as the roads were blocked by 578
vehicles, all the drivers of which will be called as witnesses.
Word of the ladies’ outing had spread rapidly by mobile phone,
twitter and the internet.
Mr Mucklethwaite: Was there any unseemly behaviour?
PC Penistone: On Wrynose, not at all. The assembled crowd was very good-humoured and the ladies were happy to explain their campaign.
But there were several serious altercations on the roads, as men
became enraged that they could not reach the top of Wrynose.
Fourteen men were pushed or fell into Widdy Gill, fatally
injuring two sheep.
Mr Mucklethwaite: Well, it is quite clear to me that you have muddled the accused
and the witnesses. These dear ladies’ uninhibited expedition
provided only entertainment and enlightenment. The villains
of the piece and of the peace were clearly the motorists who
provoked untold unruliness. Case dismissed, but please charge
the 578 drivers. Oh, and Mr Sowerbutts, please arrange for the
dock to be enlarged.
Photo:
Themis, Goddess of Justice.
Comments:
• Can we see the exhibits too, please?
• I think you have misheard: your 'Peter Blunt'
should probably be Pete Bland, a running specialist shoe shop in Kendal.
• I've just read a fascinating article by
Alice Ackerman in the latest Journal of Cumbrian History (JoCH).
She has discovered that the
resonantly Cumbrian surnames of the ladies are all old Cumbrian dialect words for ‘beat’ or ‘hit’.
What a coincidence! They are among 130 such words (there must have been a lot of beating
or hitting in old Cumbria)
listed in 'Land of the Lakes' (1983) by someone called Melvyn Bragg.
Ramblings
Saunterings
© John Self, Drakkar Press, 2024-
Top photo: Rainbow over Kisdon in Swaledale;
Bottom photo: Ullswater