Ramblings
Saunterings
Ramblings: about North-West England
Ramblings is a set of articles about North-West England, of unknown authorship and
indeterminate date, believed to have been written for amusement on rainy days,
which are not unknown in North-West England.
18. A Brand-New Brand
From a Cumbria Council Meeting
Diana Dubble-Barrell (chair):
For the next item on the agenda we have with us Mr Charles
Smarm who, as you will recall, is the head of Cumbria Tourism
Services. Over to you, Charles.
Charles Smarm:
Thank you, Diana. My guiding principle is that we should give
the punters what they want. I assume they come to the Lake
District for the lakes. So we should have more of them.
Joss Jenkinson (Cartmel ward):
I’m sure Manchester could do with some more reservoirs.
Diana Dubble-Barrell:
Please. Let Charles finish.
Charles Smarm:
Thank you. I was at the University of Cumbria the other day
and I realised how successful the re-branding of polytechnics as
universities has been. Well, not even polytechnics in the case of
Cumbria. From a handful of universities a few years ago, today
we have them everywhere. Now, we usually say we have 16
lakes (Windermere, Coniston, and so on). That’s not many for
12 million visitors a year. On average, each lake has fifteen, um,
seven hundred and fifty, er, one and a quarter, er, ...
Joss Jenkinson:
Three-quarters of a million.
Diana Dubble-Barrell:
Please. Let Charles finish.
Joss Jenkinson:
We’d be here all day.
Charles Smarm:
Yes, three-quarters of a million visitors. That’s too many. So
let’s re-brand some polytechnic ponds as lakes. I propose that in
all future publicity we include the following as bona-fide lakes:
Brothers Water, Devoke Water, Easedale Tarn, Grisedale Tarn,
Loughrigg Tarn, Red Tarn, Seathwaite Tarn, Sprinkling Tarn,
Stickle Tarn, and Tarn Hows. That’s another 10, to make 26.
Diana Dubble-Barrell:
I am sure that you have given this matter your usual deep
thought, Charles, but could you briefly say why those 10.
Charles Smarm:
Certainly. Some, like Brothers Water and Devoke Water, are
bigger than some of the proper lakes anyway. Tarn Hows
already has more visitors than most proper lakes. Some, such
as Grisedale Tarn, are to get visitors out of the way. Others just
have names that would be very attractive in a tourist brochure.
Diana Dubble-Barrell:
I see. Is that it, Charles?
Charles Smarm:
Oh no. That’s just the beginning of the re-branding exercise.
You see, ‘the Lakes’ is just too anonymous. Goodness, Canada
has the Great Lakes and ours are just puddles compared to them.
And then there’s Lake Victoria, Lake Titicaca, Lake Geneva, and
so on. All much more glamorous than our lakes. I used to work
for the Norfolk Broads, which is a distinctive name. ‘The Broads’
means only one thing to everybody. It should be the same here.
We should claim a unique marketing niche. And a new brand
name can do wonders - think of New Labour for Labour, the
Premiership for the First Division, Sellafield for Windscale.
Diana Dubble-Barrell:
Do you have a specific proposal?
Charles Smarm:
Of course. I am getting to it. The 26 lakes consist of 1 real lake,
4 meres, 8 tarns and 13 waters. Now ‘Water’ won’t do as a new
name: too many of those about already. But ‘The Tarn District’
would be great. Really distinctive. Harks back to our Viking
heritage. And we could then add yet more tarns to our list: Blea,
Overwater, Angle, Styhead, and so on. So, what do you think?
Harry Cowan (Furness ward):
Um, the Tarn District. The Tarn District. Has a ring to it. I
suppose the punters, as you call them, from the south-east would
come up tarn.
Joss Jenkinson:
Perhaps they’d go out on the tarn. That might get rid of a few
of them.
Mary Bland (Hartsop ward):
Yes, and we could build tarn houses around all the tarns.
Dick Howarth (Kirkby Lonsdale ward):
Would we all become tarn councillors? And have to do tarn
planning?
Diana Dubble-Barrell:
Well, thank you, Charles. Your ideas are always so, er, refreshing.
I think I’ll set up a sub-committee to report back in six years time.
That should give it enough time to go to tarn on this.
Photos:
Easedale Tarn.
Grisedale Tarn.
Comments:
• I think Charles had a point at the beginning there.
I’ve often looked at the map and thought Devoke Water would
make a good day out. And then I find that it’s ignored in the brochures. It’s
not regarded as a proper lake. Any visit there is bound to be unsatisfying.
But if you counted it as a lake, and made a big thing of all the ancient
cairns nearby, then people would flock there. Well, I would anyway.
I think I'll write to Diana. Do you know the address?
• I don't think it's possible for one
person to flock anywhere.
Ramblings
Saunterings
© John Self, Drakkar Press, 2024-
Top photo: Rainbow over Kisdon in Swaledale;
Bottom photo: Ullswater