Ramblings
Saunterings
Ramblings: about North-West England
Ramblings is a set of articles about North-West England, of unknown authorship and
indeterminate date, believed to have been written for amusement on rainy days,
which are not unknown in North-West England.
27. Border Conflicts
From a Cumbria Council Meeting
Diana Dubble-Barrell (chair):
Our good friend Charles Smarm, the head of Cumbria Tourism
Services, joins us again for the next item. Would you like to
introduce the discussion document that you kindly prepared for
us, Charles?
Charles Smarm:
With the greatest pleasure, Diana. My guiding principle is that
in these difficult economic times we must all pull in the same
direction, and that is to make Cumbria the number one tourist
attraction in Europe, if not the world. That is the most important
thing, the thing to which all our efforts should be focussed.
Joss Jenkinson (Cartmel ward):
Not sure that we farmers would agree with that.
Diana Dubble-Barrell:
Please. Let Charles finish.
Charles Smarm:
It’s ok, Diana. I appreciate that point of view. The punters like
to see a few sheep in the landscape. And the odd yokel leaning
over a farm-gate is always welcome. Now, I don’t intend to
go through the detail of my document, as I’m sure that you’ve
all read it thoroughly, but I’d be very happy to answer your
questions.
Josh Jenkinson:
Excuse me, everybody, but I’ve just remembered that I have
some yokelling to do.
Harry Cowan (Furness ward):
Mr Smarm, I see that you say that we should, wherever
possible, emphasise Cumbrian products. Could you give some
examples?
Charles Smarm:
Certainly. I think, for example, that we should pass a by-law that
says that all sausages to be sold in Cumbria must be Cumberland
sausages.
Harry Cowan:
Rather difficult to enforce, don’t you think?
Charles Smarm:
Not at all. We could employ an army of inspectors to tour
butchers, hotels and restaurants, tasting sausages to see if they
cut the mustard.
Harry Cowan:
I wouldn’t mind that job. Any other examples?
Charles Smarm:
Erm. How about: all cakes sold in Cumbria must be Kendal mint
cakes.
Harry Cowan:
Kendal mint cake isn’t a cake.
Charles Smarm:
Isn’t it? What is it, then? We mustn’t leave ourselves open to
accusations of misleading the punters.
Harry Cowan:
Haven’t you tried it?
Charles Smarm:
I’m afraid that I haven’t been to the Kendal Mint yet.
Margaret Tyson (Grayrigg ward):
Um. Excuse me. Your document makes some oblique comments
about those of us on the fringes of Cumbria. What do you have
in mind?
Charles Smarm:
Well, if Manchester City were to acquire John Terry from Chelsea
they would expect 100% allegiance from him. They would not
expect him to keep going on about the delights of Stamford
Bridge.
Margaret Tyson:
Eh? Terry who?
Charles Smarm:
Please let me explain. For example, I notice that in Sedbergh
there is a popular hostelry
called The Dalesman. Now,
Sedbergh has been in Cumbria
for over thirty years. It is high
time that it stopped referring
to the Yorkshire Dales. The
inn should be renamed as The
Lakesman. And the Tourist
Information Centre there
should only have books about
Cumbria. And ...
Margaret Tyson:
Hold on a minute. Sedbergh
is still in the Yorkshire Dales.
Charles Smarm:
Be that as it may, Sedbergh
is within the District Council
of Cumbria. It receives its
funding from here. It should
therefore give total allegiance to Cumbria. In these times of
limited funding, the Council should prioritise those areas that
fully support Cumbria.
Dick Howarth (Kirkby Lonsdale ward):
That sounds like a threat to me. In Kirkby Lonsdale we are closer
to the Yorkshire Dales National Park than we are to the Lake
District National Park. And we are right next to the Lancashire
border too. Some of my best friends are from Lancashire and
Yorkshire. Are you saying that when we have visitors to Kirkby
Lonsdale we should direct them all to the Lake District?
Charles Smarm:
Exactly. That is precisely what I mean.
Dick Howarth:
You blithering oaf. I bet there aren’t many Smarms in our
telephone directory. Not exactly a local, are you? Some of us
have lived here for centuries. It’s only a few months since you
came here from the Norfolk Broads. What the hell do you know
about our priorities?
Charles Smarm:
Don’t you start ...
Diana Dubble-Barrell:
Gentlemen, please. A good time for a tea break, I think. But
without any of that Kendal mint cake.
Photos:
Kendal mint cake.
Sedbergh (Cumbria), with its Yorkshire Dales sign on top.
The Dalesman.
Comments:
• Yes, I can well understand this argument.
It is quite unsettling not knowing where you are.
We had Westmorland, Cumberland,
Yorkshire and Lancashire. The first two disappeared, and we now have Cumbria.
Yorkshire was chopped up into North, West and South Yorkshires. Lancashire shrunk,
losing traditional parts of old Lancashire. The Yorkshire Dales will be claiming
parts of Lancashire soon.
Ramblings
Saunterings
© John Self, Drakkar Press, 2024-
Top photo: Rainbow over Kisdon in Swaledale;
Bottom photo: Ullswater