Ramblings
Saunterings
Ramblings: about North-West England
Ramblings is a set of articles about North-West England, of unknown authorship and
indeterminate date, believed to have been written for amusement on rainy days,
which are not unknown in North-West England.
15. High Society
The 6th Annual General Meeting of the Rainwhite Society
Peter Lingmell (president): Please be seated. Welcome to this, the sixth AGM of the Rainwhite
Society. I believe we have one or two apologies, Mary.
Mary Clough (secretary): Yes. John Burthwaite would like to apologise for the confusion
he caused by referring to ospreys over Blea Tarn, without
saying which one. And Seamus Donnybrook has written
an excruciatingly long letter to apologise for his disgraceful
behaviour with respect to our guest speaker at the Christmas
dinner. Too late: we have expelled him from the Society.
Peter Lingmell: Not before time. Now before we begin the business matters, I
would like to ask you to stand to sing our anthem.
Onward Cumbrian walkers, striding out before,
With the books of Albert in each sweaty paw.
Like our wondrous Leader, march into the snow;
Forward onto Loughrigg, see Grasmere below!
Onward Cumbrian walkers, striding out before,
With the books of Albert in each sweaty paw.
Peter Lingmell: Please be seated. We have some matters arising from last year’s
AGM. First, the long-standing dispute with the family of Ruth
Saddlebottom (formerly Rainwhite), over the distribution of the
Rainwhite legacy, has still to be resolved but we remain hopeful
of an out-of-court settlement. Secondly, the increased sales of
virtual reality Rainwhite Walks has led to a significant decrease
in people on the fells, which is greatly to be welcomed. Now, we
have a short reading.
Luke Screewalker: This is from Book 4, chapter 25, page 24: “Why does a man climb
mountains? Why has he forced his tired and sweating body up
here when he might instead have been sitting at his ease in a
deckchair at the seaside, looking at girls in bikinis, or fast asleep,
or sucking ice-creams, according to his fancy? On the face of it
the thing doesn’t make sense”.
Peter Lingmell: I would like to ask for two minutes silence, as we contemplate
those profound words.
...
Peter Lingmell: To appreciate the deep, inner meaning of our Leader’s words,
you must bear in mind that he was priest and poet in his own
blunt way. And, as with all sacred texts from the past, like the
Bhagavadgita and the Kama Sutra, we must try to put ourselves
into a contemporary frame of mind. The bikini was, of course,
designed as experimental wear to study the effects on human
skin of the 1950s Bikini Atoll nuclear explosions. When our
Leader wrote those words in 1959 it is almost certain that he
had never seen a bikini. In fact, it is doubtful that he had ever
seen a deckchair at the seaside, because he was forever walking
on cloudy mountains. As on so many occasions, our Leader’s
words can now be seen to be visionary, foreseeing the swinging
sixties, when gazing upon female flesh, such as that of Pan’s
People, became the norm. I think he was hoping to see bikinis
on the fells - as indeed am I. Certainly, his words must not be
mistaken for the meanderings of a frustrated, sexist, grumpy,
middle-aged man. Let us doxologise.
Our Leader, who art on Haystacks, widespread be thy
fame.
Thy servants come. Thy peaks to climb, Ullscarf as
well as Helvellyn.
Give us each day a cloudless sky.
And
forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive you, who made
up rights of way.
And cause us not any trepidation, but
deliver us from danger.
For thine are the country, the
mountains and the valleys, for ever and ever.
Amen.
Peter Lingmell: Let us turn to the agenda items, of which there are so many, such
is the importance of our Society. Item 3, the Society’s interaction
with Natural England about the water power schemes in
Borrowdale. Sue.
Sue Blisco: Well, to be brief, Natural England replied to our objections by
asking why they should take any notice of a self-appointed
group of busybodies with no expertise in the matter. I suppose
they have a point.
Peter Lingmell: Let’s move on. Item 4, the dissemination of the Rainwhite name.
Azhar.
Azhar Abdullah: I am delighted to report that in the last year we have extended
the Rainwhite franchise into another 293 avenues. Not only
avenues, but roses, energy bars, bridges, buses - you name it, we
have Rainwhited it. I am sure our Leader would approve. He
was always one for the limelight. He’d be on Celebrity Come
Dancing, if he were with us now.
Peter Lingmell: No doubt.
...
Peter Lingmell: Item 57, at last, the last item, the Society walks. Myrtle, could
you update us please.
Myrtle Bracken: I am delighted to report that we had a full programme of
fortnightly Society Walks last year. I am even more delighted
to report that nobody went on them, following the spirit of
our Leader, who preferred to walk alone. We already have a
complete programme for next year, which should similarly be
ignored.
Peter Lingmell: On that inspiring note I bring the meeting to a close, unless there
are any additional matters. No, well, thank you everybody. A
productive congregation, I’m sure you’ll agree. The Liddledale
Ladies’ Choir will accompany you as you leave. Have a safe
journey, and see you next year.
Climb every mountain, roam low and high
Follow every byway, every path you spy
Climb every hillock, ford every beck
Follow every signpost, till you end your trek
A trek that may take, all the time you can spare
A trek to complete, all the peaks that you dare
Climb every hillock, ford every beck
Follow every signpost, till you end your trek.
Photos:
The Rainwhite Shrine in Kendal.
Bikinis in the Lake District.
Comments:
• The reading by Luke Screewalker is most inspiring.
I've tracked it down to the chapter on Scafell Pike. It's hard to believe that anyone
toiling up Scafell Pike can relax enough to day-dream about bikinis. I checked the chapter to see if
Rainwhite answers his question about why we walk up hills. He concludes that
"It is a question every man must answer for himself". How profound!
• What about women? Do we day-dream about bikinis?
• The Leader's Prayer ought really to say "whose
ashes art on Haystacks". But I don't suppose that would scan.
• I understand that the Health and Safety Ministry
is to ban such scattering of ashes. We can't have the countryside flora covered with ash.
Ramblings
Saunterings
© John Self, Drakkar Press, 2024-
Top photo: Rainbow over Kisdon in Swaledale;
Bottom photo: Ullswater