Ramblings
Saunterings
Ramblings: about North-West England
Ramblings is a set of articles about North-West England, of unknown authorship and
indeterminate date, believed to have been written for amusement on rainy days,
which are not unknown in North-West England.
1. These Boots ...
I resolved to be decisive. Yesterday I had wandered the streets of Ambleside, daunted by the shop window displays,
never once daring to go in. Today would be different.
I strode to the first boots shop, took a deep breath, and marched in. It was the chemists.
So I walked out again and on to a shop called ‘These Boots ...’, which I assume to be
an allusion to that jaunty song by Nancy Sinatra that reached No 1 in 1966. “These boots are made for walkin’ and
that’s just what they’ll do”, I mumbled. I tried to pull myself together, muttering “Focus, focus”. Another deep
breath and in I went.
I was still holding my breath when I heard a voice.
“Can I help you, sir?”
“Have you any walking boots?” I gasped, a question so inane that it received
the answer it deserved - none at all.
“May I measure you, sir?”
I felt nauseous. I looked all around for help. What did he mean?
“Your feet, sir”.
Ah, yes, this shop means business. They wouldn’t just take my word for it if
I said “size 8”. I put my right foot forward.
“Take your shoes and socks off, please, sir”.
Of course. I sat down. Now was my chance to gather my thoughts.
I took my time untieing my shoelaces. Eventually I offered him my right foot.
He put it in a sort of box, drew in the sides, like a gentle vice, and
wrote some numbers down.
“And now the left foot, please”.
He did the same with the left foot, and then casually said “Your left foot is 1.6
millimetres longer than your right foot”.
I was astounded. How could that be? I had had these feet for 45 years and
no-one had ever suggested that they were deformed. I was lop-sided. A freak.
“Most people’s feet are different” he said, sensing my concern. “Now stand
here, please”. And he measured them again. “Feet change shape when you stand on them” he explained, as if to a
child. “They get longer and wider, and, in your case, the arch here collapses”.
What was he suggesting now? That my feet were weak as well as deformed?
This was getting serious.
“Do you have trouble walking?” he asked.
Cripes! I tried to lighten the mood. “Only after a few drinks” I replied.
He ignored me.
“Do you pronate?”
Pronate? Prenate? Prenatal? Prenatal exercises? Surely not.
“Don’t lose it now, focus, focus” I told myself.
“Does your heel bend at an angle?”
I gaped.
“Do you wear out the soles of your shoes unevenly?”
I had no idea. I picked them up and had a look. Sure enough, the outsides of the heels had worn away and the insides were intact. I was walking on two slopes. I must be bow-ankled.
“Never mind” he said. “We can fix that with insoles”.
“That’s a relief” I said, and, feeling a little bolder, I added “I would like
my boots to be British-made, sustainably-produced, ecologically-sound, carbon-neutral, energy-efficient,
odour-free, organic, biodegradable and dishwasher-proof”.
“So would I” he replied “but in the meantime I think we’ll find something
suitable over here”, and he waved towards several shelves of boots.
I was reassured by the ‘we’, and I noticed the ‘sir’ had gone. We were in this
together now.
I padded over and picked up a boot at random. I scrutinised it thoroughly from all angles.
“That, sir, is a lady’s boot” he said.
The ‘sir’ was back. I was on my own again. I nearly asked if ladies’ feet were
different to men’s feet, but I thought better of it.
“Try these, sir. They are our best-selling make this summer”.
I did. I walked about in them, stamping in them, flexing my knees, not quite
sure how to test them out.
“How do they feel, sir?”
“Snug” I said. There was no other word for it. They were snug.
“Try them on the slope” he said.
I hadn’t noticed but there in the corner was a little ramp, complete with rocky
protuberances.
“Not exactly Striding Edge, is it?” I said.
“No, sir, but it’s the best we can manage in this room”.
My, he was an earnest young fellow. To humour him I stepped up and down it a few times.
“How do the toes feel, sir?”
“Well, now you mention it, a bit scrunched up”.
“I thought they might be. That make of boot tends to have a small size 8, we find”.
I was non-plussed. Surely, a size 8 is a size 8. Why measure feet to one decimal
place if the manufacturers can make a size 8 bigger or smaller, as they wish? It should be illegal.
I faced the appalling prospect of having to try on all these boots to see if any corresponded to my particular size 8.
The assistant realised this too and said “Excuse me a second. I’ll just deal with
these customers”, for quite a crowd had formed, enthralled by my travails. “Try any of these on and wander around
and up and down as you wish. I’ll be back in a moment”.
He was back two hours later.
“How are you getting on, sir?”
“Just fine” I said. I bought five pairs of boots,
adequate, I thought, to cover all the walking conditions I was likely to meet (road, track, grass, hill, rocks,
mud, rain, ice, snow, anything), plus various insoles, some spare laces, several pairs of socks, and a few
boot beauty kits. Actually, to be precise, I bought ten pairs: five pairs of size 8, for the right boots, and
five pairs of size 8˝, for the left boots.
As I stepped out into the rain with my many bags, I glimpsed the assistants whooping
and high-fiving by the counter. But I didn’t mind: I had been decisive.
“And one of these days these boots are gonna wock all over you, duh, duh, duh, duh, ...”.
Photos:
Nancy trying out her new boots.
Two of my boots enjoying a view of Wastwater.
Some of my boots having a rest in the Wastwater Hotel.
Comments:
• I think I can count more than twenty boots
in that foyer. Did you buy some more boots, in addition to those from These Boots ...?
• It's a good idea to have different boots suitable
for different conditions but in the Lake District you are likely to meet all conditions
on one walk. Do you carry all the boots you are not wearing in your backpack and
change them as necessary?
• I have the opposite deformity to you.
I have a size 8˝ right foot and a size
8 left foot. I would gladly take your unwanted boots off your feet.
• I notice that you do not acknowledge the
source of the photos, which is deplorably unprofessional. I trust that you will not
continue in this style.
Ramblings
Saunterings
© John Self, Drakkar Press, 2024-
Top photo: Rainbow over Kisdon in Swaledale;
Bottom photo: Ullswater